Co-parenting

LGBT+ people can become co-parents by chance or by choice and so family set ups can take many forms. Fundamentally whoever is named on the birth certificate has parental responsibility for that child and therefore also has the right to be involved in key decision-making in the child’s upbringing. Co-parenting refers to a parenting situation where two or more adults work together to raise a child even though they are not necessarily the biological parents, living together or in a romantic relationship. Elective co-parenting, also referred to as "parenting partnerships" or "partnered parenting", may be used as a choice by individuals seeking to have children, who do not wish to enter into a conventional relationship. Such arrangements are common among LGBT+ people, as well as polyamorous parents. In some cases, more than two adults enter a formal agreement to care for a child together, even though only two are able to be granted official legal custody in most countries. The concept of shared parenting extends to separated, divorced and blended families too.

Choosing the right person to co-parent with is also important especially as it could affect your friendship/relationship down the line. This person is going to be part of your’s and your child’s life forever, therefore they need to have the right qualities and outlooks for you. Regardless of the coupling and the make up of the family, there are arrangements and discussions that need to take place before conception to ensure that each party are happy and willing to go ahead. These could include:

Practicalities: Where will the child’s primary residence be? How much time will each parent spend with the child/ren? Will you have more than one child together? How will you decide what the child’s name and surname will be?

Legal considerations: Who will be the legal parents? Who will apply for parental responsibility and how will they do it? How will you protect the status of any co-parents who do not have legal responsibility (for example through your wills)?

Financial responsibilities: Who will pay for what and how will expenses be divided between co-parents during the pregnancy and throughout the child’s life? Who will claim benefits for the child, if eligible?

Discipline and rules: Who’s in charge? How will you make sure your child receives consistent parenting and discipline?

Parenting: Will the child be brought up with a faith? How and where will your child be educated? Who will attend parents’ evenings? 

Changes: What happens if any couples involved split up? What happens if someone dies? What if one of the co-parents or co-parenting couples wants to move abroad?

Some of these questions might not affect you now but none of us know what is around the corner and it is better to be prepared especially when considering bringing a new life into world. Structure is really important for children. it supports them to feel safe and comfortable and allows them to express themselves. 

Co-parenting agreements are valuable in providing this structure to your child’s life. You and your child’s co-parents need to agree on these points. It is best to have the same agreement in each house so your child does not get confused or try and play each household off from each other.

Co-parenting following separation/divorce:

If you are in this situation it is always best to try and keep arrangements and decision making as possible. Although sometimes necessary going through a legal custody process is a highly emotional and costly experience and may not work out to suit all parties involved. Instead you may find the following options useful in achieving an agreed way to move forward:

Parenting Plan - Cafcass - Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service: Cafcass offer guidance around developing a parenting plan including a helpful template document covering a wide range of considerations. This template could also be used for co-parents who choose this route to parenthood in the first instance.

Manchester & Cheshire Mediation | Family Mediation Practice (manchesterandcheshiremediation.com): work to help people who are divorcing or separating or who want to make ongoing arrangements for their children.